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And now, itís time forÖ

The Joe and Methos Show!!!


By JinxoLAL and JenX
Episode 2: ďHappy Birthday Methos!Ē

(Joe walks onscreen carrying a large, brightly wrapped package. It is obviously heavy. Methos, spotting him, eyes him curiously and shakes his head disdainfully. Joe sets the box on the floor, glad to be rid of the burden and looks to Methos for some sort of appreciative gesture, which is quite absent.)

METHOS: Whatís in the box?

JOE: (gruffly) Happy birthday.

METHOS: What? I donít even know when my birthday is. I donít even think I have oneÖ.

JOE: Everyoneís got one. Even Ö you people. Open it.

METHOS: The Watcher Tribunalís still upset with you for last time.

JOE: Iím willing to let bygones be bygones if you are. Now, open it. (He waves his cane threateningly.)

METHOS: (unfazed by Joeís threats, he kneels down beside the garishly colored box and delicately peels the paper off, as though a bomb were inside.)

JOE: (grinning like a madman) It wonít bite.

METHOS: How do I know that? Iím unused to Ö birthday presents. (He finishes unwrapping it, and lifts the top of the box off to reveal a terribly ugly chartreuse sweater. He is speechless with disgust.)

JOE: Iím so glad you like it!!

METHOS: A chartreuse sweater?

JOE: I know. I wasnít sure if it was your size, but I had Mac help me out with it.

METHOS: A chartreuse sweater?

JOE: Well, Mac thought the ivory one was more becoming on you, but Richie insisted the chartreuse was really more your style.

METHOS: A chartreuse sweater?

JOE: (injured) You donít like it?

METHOS: Oh Ö oh, Iím Ö Iím speechless. Really.

JOE: So you do like it. Iím so glad. You really had me worried for a moment.

METHOS: (nods without a word)

JOE: I have another one coming. Stay right here, Iíll be back in a moment.

METHOS: (Stares at the ceiling with this ďwhy me?Ē expression)

(Tessa walks onscreen.)

METHOS: WAIT!! WAITAMINUTE! Youíre DEAD!!

TESSA: I am, arenít I? Well, Iíll just take this poor defenseless chartreuse sweater off your hands for you. (She grabs the sweater and walks offstage.)

(A few moments later, Joe comes back, again with a large garish box in his hands.)

JOE: (noticing the sweaterís gone) Whereíd it go?

METHOS: Where did what go?

JOE: The sweater!

METHOS: Oh, that. Tessa took it.

JOE: (befuddled) Tessa?

METHOS: Yes. Tessa Noel. She took it.

JOE: Did she.

METHOS: I tried to stop her, but she was simply so enamored with the Ö lovely color, and the soft fabric, and the Ė

JOE: Okay, okay, I get the picture. You donít have to make up some outlandish story, you couldíve just told me you didnít like it.

METHOS: But Iím not making it up! She really did take it!

JOE: (taking Methos aside, patronizingly) Methos, friend Ö Tessa Noelís been dead for years. Now, I know that a lot of your friends have this nasty habit of returning from the grave, but Iím afraid that Tessa isnít one of them.

METHOS: But she was right here!

JOE: Why donít you open your next present?

METHOS: Another one? (He sets about unwrapping this one and pulls out a purple skirt.)

JOE: Isnít it lovely?

METHOS: Itís a skirt!

JOE:(matter-of-factly) Itís a kilt.

METHOS:Iím not Scottish, you twit!! Thatís DUNCAN!!

JOE: So? Itís a great color for you. Itíll even go with the Ö nevermind.

METHOS:(in a fit, throws the ďkiltĒ at Joeís face and walks away, completely and irrevocably miffed.)

JOE:(peels the ďkiltĒ off his face and examines it) This really is a nice color. Donít you think?

TESSA: Mr. Dawson, youíre speaking to the audience again.

JOE: Am I? Oh, hello Tessa. (beat) TESSA?

TESSA: (smirks)

curtain falls

The End



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